Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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