I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
