WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
