apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm too high and old for this...
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
