I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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