Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
