I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Let's paint friendship bongs
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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