i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
