oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
