We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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