Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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