i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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