he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
