just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
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