so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
3 2 1 whiskey
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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