im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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