The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
i need some magic done to my vagina
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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