the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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