im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
