No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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