hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I have fence marks all over my body
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
