I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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