so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
