using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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