I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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