All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
