Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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