Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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