She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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