I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
