Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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