i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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