I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
