i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
