I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I could make wine with my vomit
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
