For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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