Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
The air taste purple.
Randomize
