Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
