Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
