Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
