I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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