Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
