Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
