you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
