Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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