At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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