The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
