so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
