Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
