I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
